Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
