Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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