It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
