Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize