hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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