He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
