I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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