Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize