he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
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