Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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