theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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