i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
