who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
