Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
