pop tarts are not kleenex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize