ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
