i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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