highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize