Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
