i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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