My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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