Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
True strength comes from lack of pants
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
