I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
