1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
