Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
