White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
