I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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