i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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