I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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