a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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