I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
