so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
