wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
