once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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