im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
