he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
