She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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