i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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