he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Alive.
So much puke
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
