My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
