He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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