this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
