so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
