I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
