I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
