FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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