Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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