its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
