I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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