I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
