god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
