I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize