i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
