first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
