I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
