She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
