I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
