My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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