I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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