Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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