Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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