And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
