The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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