At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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