Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
