i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You've changed since you got that strap on
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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