I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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