My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
