I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
