i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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