Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
