the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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