id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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