Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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